St. Augustine of Hippo 354-430 AD cried out that “too late have I loved thee” (his God). There is a small temptation for me to say that about coming out, discovering dancing but I will not say that. He also said “What is time?”. Why did these things happen now compared to decades ago. Who can tell. I believe it was Carlyle who said blessed is the person who has found their life’s work. How many of us find their calling very early on in life and run with a career for a half century? Sexually we are supposed to be fixed, static from adulthood until death. Too bad for society, humans are not quite so linear, and rigid.
Last night I was doing the Merengue and Hustle with a dance instructor and ended up in the “sweetheart” position. Essentially side by side the dance partner, arms intertwined voluptuously as the 19th c. Times of London would saith. The “joy of the actor” is what I felt and experienced yesterday evening. I saw it in the face of my teacher, not because I was Nureyev secundus but because she wants to give back to students. What a beautiful sentiment and way of living.
Below an image of Rudolf Nureyev I came across, dated 1961. Reminds me so much of Marlon Brando and James Dean of that era. Want to post something about him soon, having made an executive decision to claim him for the bi community. A total gut feeling without any other basis, but am expecting to find more bi people in the dance world than in the general population. Last night when we were dancing as a class, being paired with hitherto total strangers the teacher said quite correctly, that it is awkward sometimes being so physically close to someone you had never met before, especially in the closed position. What is intimacy? Why does dancing feel so fulfilling to me? Is it because the entire person is completely engaged in the exercise, that you summon all of your powers of focus, concentration, attention on the task at hand. There is some kind of intersection of fun-play-creativity going on. There is this constant iteration of learning the new steps, making mistakes, mastering it, feeling a sense of triumph and it is amplified by the close contact with your partner, who is struggling-triumphing along with you.
The daily pentathlon for my soul and psyche is to blog, read, play the piano, dance and run. We shall see what happens. Life sometimes gets in the way of living. Or is it the other way around? There was this extremely eccentric and idiosyncratic Canadian golfing legend Moe Norman who just for fun would golf a hole completely backwards as in tee off with his putter and then on the green use his driver to putt. Remember the film “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ from 2008, loosely based on the F. Scott Fitzgerald novel of 1922, where the person ages in reverse? I know two other bi people who have this sense that they are extremely young having just come out a short time ago.
In my stymied bid to find an image I liked illustrating the ‘sweetheart position’ in dancing, I came across this image of dolphins. I have always liked dolphins (who doesn’t?) . They always cheer me up and put a smile on my face. To me they convey a sense of play, fun, intelligence, altruism, mischief (in a good way) . After re-reading the post I realize how terribly disjointed it is. Like our (sexual) lives. All I wanted to say is that for me everything is new and that things are NOT what they seem. I never had as much fun as I thought I should-would-could have in bed (missionary position and otherwise). A dance instructor asked me yesterday if dancing has been as much fun as I thought it would be? Short answer is Yes. Longer reply is that it has far exceeded expectations, by several orders of magnitude in so many realms. It has been healing, fulfilling to a huge degree quite unexpectedly. Sex-Romance-Relationships have been a disaster as an adult for whatever reason. At this point I don’t care whose fault it was. A black hole. An exercise in entropy, futility, frustration.
Lastly, I want to write something soon about the greatest male dancer of the early 20th c. Vaslav Nijinsky (1890-1950, photo above) who strikes me as bi reading about him via wiki. I hope to escape his tragic fate. He was “obsessed” by dance and then later succumbed to mental illness.