I have been thinking of this lately, of all things. Am trying to come to terms, get some perspective on the distance I have traveled since I first came out to myself at the start of August until essentially the end of 2013. Usually I feel that its been a ginormous distance (have gone to many events, met many new beautiful bi sisters and brothers, come out to lots of people in many ways etc) but other times in moments of self doubt, I wonder if I have made much-any progress at all in terms of the sex-love realm. At times it feels the same as it ever was. Have I evolved, changed one iota? Have I advanced one single step towards my goal? From the summer of 1981 until this summer, I incarnated the dictum of Martin Luther; “It is not safe to move”. I was paralyzed by fear. I did not conceptualize it as such, frame it that way at all. Hell, I was not truly aware of it as such a huge factor in my life. A friend said yesterday that he thought a bigger limiting factor in life was “joy”, that people are afraid of being happy, joyful. Great. Now I have 2 things to fret about in my ruminations.
Fear and Joy. What next?
Below, this image reminds me of the “stargate” sequence in the film “2001; A space odyssey” that I love by the late, great and curmudgeonly Stanley Kubrick. When Keir Dullea/Captain David Bowman, in tiny spaceship goes through and (in the book) says “It is full of stars”.
As every school kid knows, the speed of light is approximately 186,000 miles per second, 300,000 kms per second. Fast! On earth we never use, think of speeds such as this. For the scale of the universe this is quite handy, useful. Meaning, we could travel to the moon at this speed in a little over 1 second but the nearest star is over 1 light year away. How far have I come in the last 5 months as a white, M, bi, 53 year old single mensch? Perhaps it is too soon to tell. Will not go all Mao on you though. Oh, how I hate that quote attributed to him. When quizzed about the effects of the French revolution, 150 years before, he said it was too soon to tell. What? Are we now in the Vatican with their “the church thinks in centuries” way of looking at history? The Great wall of China intersects with the Papal states. Egadth! The Holy Sea will get things right eventually, it just takes centuries. Wait around for the correction, inside the fold on page C17 ok? “Church admits it was wrong on Galileo”.
Below: I liked this because it was such an intense, shock of colours and ‘out of focus’. It is so powerful, it is hard to adjust too, take in all at once. So much energy present here.
Wish I was 23 and feeling this way. So I spent 3 decades of my life spinning my wheels in the quicksand of life. What a concept! Do feel I have “got it”, am ‘getting it’
compared to some souls which never truly progress, evolve, change for the better, go to the light. However you want to frame it. Dante Alighieri said we were not made to live as brutes but to pursue virtue and knowledge. Who am I being at this moment and every other moment? What I can tell you, is a much better, happier person than I used to be. Perhaps one could say that before I was like Plato’s fools in the cave, taking the shadows on the wall for real things, as opposed to a mirage whereas now, I have walked out from the Caves of Lascaux (as a real chro magnon man!) into the light. Maybe I cannot see very well, not used to the sunlight? In time I will adjust no?
At the one year anniversary of coming out, that will be an obvious marker to evaluate progress. For the most part, generally, the journey has been good, enjoyable, the kvetching at times notwithstanding. That itself is remarkably different. Believe me, I used to be Spencer Tracy redivivus. Remember the line from Katherine Hepburn after he died (thanks to wiki here) that she quipped, he seemed happy that he was done with the burden of living as he felt it was such a chore. Wow! One of the most famous, greatest actors ever, received huge acclaim from peers while alive and felt that way.
Below is a gorgeous image I think of light bending. Light in space is not always straight, lots of colours at work, hey, just like being bi. Not straight, no monotones for us!
Please believe me, a fluke I found an image in the universe with the bi colours in it. Could not resist it however.
The end of each calendar year seems to call upon reflection, to put down thoughts about what you have done, accomplished, etc.
It has been quite a trip. 2014 should be better and not because I am going to drink the kool aid of the “it gets better” campaign either.
Below the quote from Freud should give one pause. Everything hidden will some day be reveled and brought to the light. Read that we can change in times of sheer desperation, crisis, emergency, “full catastrophe living” or we can make the decision to change in joy. Which is it going to be?